Ridiculous Incarnate – The Wenger 16999 Giant Swiss Army Knife

Here’s some breaking news! You no longer need a fancy MRI machine (or the health coverage to pay for it) to peer into the mind of a person who may have gone completely nuts. Instead, all you need is the Internet and the link at the end of the article to the world’s most insane Swiss army knife, compliments of Wenger. Ladies and gentlemen, that is what crazy looks like.

It’s safe to say that you won’t be able to bring this on a plane in your carry-on luggage. In fact, it might be best not to bring this out anywhere where people, especially potential love interests, might see it. I like to consider myself open minded, but if I saw the Wenger 16999 Giant Swiss Army Knife innocently placed in someone’s bedroom – I’d get myself out of there faster than you could say “safe word”.

This tool has 87 implements and “141 functions” although I think they’re being a little modest on the number of things you could do with this tool. I doubt the marketers even bothered to name things like “fight off a zombie apocalypse” or “fill in for the Star Wars interrogation droid”. So, we’ll leave it up to you what you can do with the Wenger 16999 Giant Swiss Army Knife and just list all that it comes with. If you have to go the bathroom, we suggest going now before reading this (it could take a while):

• 2.5″ 60% Serrated locking blade
• Nail file
• Nail cleaner
• Corkscrew
• Adjustable pliers with wire crimper and cutter
• Removable screwdriver bit adapter
• 2.5″ Blade for Official World Scout Knife
• Spring-loaded, locking needle-nose pliers with wire cutter
• Removable screwdiver bit holder
• Phillips head screwdriver bit 0 Phillips head screwdriver bit 1
• Phillips head screwdriver bit 2
• Flat head screwdriver bit 0.5mm x 3.5mm
• Flat head screwdriver bit 0.6mm x 4.0mm
• Flat head screwdriver bit 1.0mm x 6.5mm
• Magnetized recessed bit holder
• Double-cut wood saw with ruler
• Chain rivet setter
• Removable 5mm
• Allen wrench
• Screwdriver for slotted and Phillips head screws
• Removable tool for adjusting spokes
• 10mm Hexagonal key for nuts
• Removable 4mm curved allen wrench with Phillips head screwdriver
• Patented locking screwdriver
• Universal wrench
• 2.4″ Springless scissors with serrated self-sharpening design
• 1.65″ Clip point utility blade
• Phillips head screwdriver
• 2.5″ Clip-point blade
• Club face cleaner
• 2.4″ Round tip blade
• Patented locking screwdriver
• Cap lifter
• Can opener
• Shoe spike wrench
• Divot repair tool
• 4mm Allen wrench
• 2.5″ Blade
• Fine metal file with precision screwdriver
• Double-cut wood saw with ruler
• Cupped cigar cutter with double honed edges
• 12/20-Guage choke tube tool
• Watch caseback opening tool
• Snap shackle
• Mineral crystal magnifier
• Compass
• Straight edge, ruler (in./cm)
• Telescopic pointer
• Fish scaler
• Hook disgorger
• Line guide
• Shortix laboratory key
• Micro tool holder
• Micro tool adapter
• Micro scraper – straight
• Micro scraper – curved
• Laser pointer with 300 ft. range
• Metal file
• Metal saw
• Flashlight
• Micro tool holder
• Phillips head screwdriver 1.5mm
• Screwdriver 1.2mm
• Screwdriver .8mm
• Fine fork for watch spring bars
• Reamer
• Pin punch 1.2mm
• Pin pinch .8mm
• Round needle file
• Removable tool holder with expandable receptacle
• Removable tool holder
• Special self-centering screwdriver for gunsights
• Flat Phillips head screwdriver
• Chisel-point reamer
• Mineral crystal magnifier
• Small ruler
• Extension tool
• Sping-loaded, locking flat nose needle-nose pliers
• Removable screwdriver bit holder
• Phillips head screwdriver bit 0
• Phillips head screwdriver bit 1
• Phillips head screwdriver bit 2
• Flat head screwdriver bit 0.5mm x 3.5mm
• Flat head screwdriver bit 0.6mm x 4.0mm
• Flat head screwdriver bit 1.0mm x 6.5mm
• Magnetized recessed bit holder
• Tire tread gauge
• Fiber optic tool holder
• Can opener
• Patented locking screwdriver
• Cap lifter
• Wire stripper
• Reamer
• Awl
• Toothpick
• Tweezers
• Key ring

Phew! Finally done!

The Wenger 16999 Giant Swiss Army Knife is nearly a foot long and weighs seven pounds, so this is one Swiss Army knife that won’t fit in your pocket (and for the safety of your body parts, that’s a good thing). For all my mocking, this wouldn’t be the worst tool to have around in an Armageddon scenario. As far as DIY around the home, I imagine it’s more of a (very expensive) conversation starter than the first thing I’d personally reach for if I needed to fix something, but the people who own it seem to give it high marks for convenience and quality.

You can find the Wenger 16999 Giant Swiss Army Knife and all its compact craziness at Amazon for $899.