Part of the reason I went into carpentry (besides the girls, fame, fortune, and sweet tools) was that in my line of work I didn’t have to do crap like painting. That has all gone out the window as we “upgrade” the house.
I hate painting. I hate everything about it. After our recent bout with it–I may just say that I like dry wall better than painting, and that is saying A LOT. Firstly–there is the never ending decision on what color goes with the cabinets, dog’s eyes, the sweater she wears once a year, et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseum.
My involvement in the color selection was like deciding how her hair should be done for a night out: “Do you like it?” Internal monologue: “This is a trick question. If I answer in the affirmative and she doesn’t like it–I’m hosed. If I say no…then I am hosed. Is there any possible way of getting out of this without being hosed? Doesn’t look like it…Man I love Scooby-Doo. That cartoon kicks serious ass.” “Honey? Do you like this color for the kitchen accent wall?” “Accent wall? What is that? Should I know what that is? I am hosed…”
Usually Fixaters…I strive to tell you what to do in your home improvement endeavors. However, for this article I am going to explain all of the mistakes I made–and I want you to do the opposite. Your life, your relationships, and your sanity will be much better off.
“Drop Cloths”: Are not “drench” cloths. Do not put the paint stirring stick on this thing–it will bleed into the carpet, and much evilness ensues. Especially if the carpet is beigeish and the paint is red, or yellow, or really, really blue. I warned you.
Masking: Is not a suggestion. Mask everything. The trim, the window casements, the dog, (you will notice how my friend Annie tried to get the Braveheart look in the photo…) the baseboards–you really can’t mask enough. Also: On textured drywall you need to make sure the tape is down everywhere. Run your fingernail along the edge to get a good seal. Your paint will bleed if you do not, making for an evil looking edge. See: Really, Really Blue paint vs. White. Not good times. You may also want to investigate a premium masking tape, like the Frog Tape Painter’s Tape we recently reviewed.
The Crew: Should understand the language you primarily speak. If you speak dog, and can explain to them how to avoid using their tails as their own version of a paint brush, more power to you. I–cannot. Evilness x10. Bride Freak-Out Level: Nearly unmatched. Close to the time I put some cashmere sweater thing in the dryer. Don’t ask.
Measure twice, Paint once: I should have known this one…but where some stripes were painted (again: don’t ask) I inched myself. Classic carpenter mistake. The result? Evilness as the entire wall was off–and needed to be re-painted. Nothing sucks more than doing something that sucks a lot–twice. Double check measurements.
Clean tools are happy tools: I shudder at the thought of calling paint brushes, rollers, and such as “tools”. But the fact of the matter is they are. They like to be clean. After a particularly awesome relationship building evening of painting I sort of neglected to wash out the brushes…and was met with some pretty useless brushes the next morning. Like–completely useless. I threw them out, drove to the bank and used the ATM to get cash and then went to Homie D to get new ones so that my trip could not be traced electronically. As soon as I see this article scheduled, I will make sure Carrie is not near a computer for a 24 hour period to keep my crime on the down low.
All in all–our painting expedition turned out to look pretty good. It was the getting there that…wasn’t so good. Hopefully my adventures will keep your painting mishaps down–and give your walls a nice, new, really really blue coat.
What in the hell is an accent wall anyway?